With today being my oldest grandchild's birthday I've had some time to think about life in general lately.
Growing older has never really bothered me much at all. Why should it? Growing older is a part of life. Helping my parents clean out the house they've lived in for forty-seven years I guess has also stirred up not only memories but also reminders I am growing older.
11 years now I've been a grandmother. Before that I was a mother. Before that I was a daughter. The one area of my parent's home that even resembles that of yesterday was the garage, which the men folk cleaned out the other day. As more and more of this area of my childhood reappeared in somewhat the manner in which it used to look I could still see the water skis (no longer there today) in the corner of the room. I could envision the area where my friends and I once had our record player, beat flashing light, and chairs. The pool table sitting in the middle of the garage, we'd skate around it sometimes when we got home from skating on Friday nights.
You could almost hear The Bay City Rollers album playing loudly against the memory. The laughter, the secrets, the fights... it was all there in the open spaces of the almost empty room.
Flash forward several years later...
To the house I live in now.
At one time this house too was filled with children of all ages. Laughter, secrets, and yes, fights too. I swear this house should have come with a revolving door. My oldest two were teenagers when we moved into this big two story 100+ year old home. Music blared from the upper floor just about anytime of day or night. My youngest just a kindergardener.
There was never a doubt you were in the land of the living back then. Always surrounded by sometimes more people than one could bear. And there were days, yes, there were days where I wondered if all the insanity would ever end. If I would ever have a peaceful moment in time where I could just relax.
Flash forward a few years later...
The quiet is sometimes deafening. Sure, I have all the time in the world to do me. No one around to bother me. No fighting. No carrying on. Well, unless you consider my furbabies these days who do enjoy a nice romp through this big old house.
This time of night used to be my breath of fresh air from a hectic day. A time after the kids had gone to bed and the house began to quiet down somewhat. Today, it's not like that. I have done my job as a mother and that time is over.
I delve into my work as a means of warding off the quiet that surrounds me these days. Some days I realize quiet can almost be maddening. Other days my salvation.
I'm pickier these days on who I allow into my world. Because I'm at this place in my life where I'm growing older and only want real or true surrounding me.
I relish in the time spent with the grandchildren, because I get a glimpse of what it used to be like having their parents as young ones.
I've lived long enough and fought often enough in this lifetime to know I no longer have room for hate, or anger, or any other negative emotion. Because I've also lived long enough to realize life may seem long, but the years fly by faster the older you get. Especially when you look back and see where you've been and where you are today.
One moment you're a kid, the next you're a grandmother.
I guess that hardest part of all of this but also the most enjoyable part, is seeing your children venture into this world. Growing up to become the adults you envisioned they would be one day. Making their own lives in this great big world. Their time is spent where it should be, with their children, helping them grow into the adults they will one day become.
Growing older has it's perks, but it also has it's moments also where you sit on the sidelines and watch quietly the fruits of your labors past. Sometimes its a lonely place. Other times, just a time of reflection.
I only hope this enlightenment of growing older is something that in the end allows me to become a better person. Someone who is accepting of what each day forward unfolds.
Growing older can be a lonely place for sure, but it can also be a time of solitude that allows deeper inner work on self. Which I firmly believe is what the good Lord has in mind. He brings chaos into our lives to prove to us we can survive anything. Then gives us peace to reflect and become closer to our spiritual self.
Everyone have a lovely night!!!
Blessings to all!!!