You loved the song Amazing Grace, just as your uncle and siblings and cousin did. You loved cuddling, just as your siblings and cousins do.
When people ask me how many grandchildren do I have, I always say four living and one angel. Because even though you were here for such a short time, your life mattered. It mattered to me as a grandmother. It matter to your aunts and uncles. Your grandfather. Your siblings and cousins.
I remember sitting in that dimly lit room just you and I. Holding you close. Telling you about the family who loved you. We talked about the things you would miss and we would miss having you a part of, such as family get-togethers, birthdays, Christmases, even our summer camping trips and smores by the campfire.
I remember how my heart swelled with love the moment I set eyes on you. I remember the overwhelming weight of heartbreak when the nurses and doctors set me down and told me there was no hope. I pretended to be strong in front of them and your mom, because that is a grandma's role, to be strong for those she loves. I remember breaking down when I was alone. Praying hard to my ancestors who'd gone on before us. Begging their help in letting you go. Because I knew how to be a grandma I just didn't know how to be a grandma of an angel.
Part of being a grandma is loving and caring for her grandchildren with an unconditional love. I wanted so much to put conditions on this. I wanted to make God leave you with us. I wanted to be able to hold you always.
However, that was not His plan nor yours.
I heard your laughter throughout my house that first October without you. I knew it was you. Bouncing on my bed. Running up and down the stairs. The heavy footsteps of my cousin chasing after you. You knew grandma believed in such things, so you knew it was safe to come to my home, to prove to me you were happy.
Very recently your presence has been back. I guess you knew I needed it. Those family times don't go without you, you just come to spend time in a different manner than you would.
I'm grateful you have those who've gone on before us to love you like you would have been loved here on earth. To look after you. To hold you when you need held.
Grandma never forgets her time with you. Nor does a Christmas go by that you also received flowers and a sock monkey from Santa in your stocking made lovingly by all of us. You're birthday is a difficult day. But a day solely given to you in my heart.
I miss you sweet angel, but I know you are happy. I've felt your presence, I've heard your laughter that I was only able to hear with my heart when you were alive. Your soul soars with the angels and grandma is so proud of you.
Happy Birthday, my beautiful angel!!!
Grandma loves you so very much!!!