Yesterday was a hard one. My mindset wasn't pleasant for sure. I still hold a great deal of anger toward the man who caused our little Ali's death. One day I hope to find peace with this, but four years later, I still can't let it go.
Sure, it is not as harsh as it once was. Every breath I let out back then hatred spewed from me. At least now that doesn't happen.
Her birthday is a day I try so hard to just remember her. Not the why that surrounded her birth, but our beautiful little angel herself. How much she touched my life. How much she taught me and is still teaching me. Because that is how I want to remember her. I only want to forget the man who harmed her mother, who damaged our sweet angel's lungs so much there was no hope for survival. But with her memories comes these memories also.
I struggle with forgiveness here. I know forgiveness is not for the person who's done you harm, but for yourself. There are days I firmly believe it is Ali's forgiveness that is all that is necessary, because it was done to her. Yet, a part of me also knows I too need to be as forgiving as she. But in this realm it is difficult. I'm human and I admit that.
I see four year olds running around. I smile. I think that could be our little angel. I have a little nephew who is just weeks younger than Ali. He holds a very special place in my heart. He gives me insight into what could have been. And for that he will always be my own personal rainbow baby. His little heart is so big. When he grabs my face and tells me how much he missed me after we haven't seen each other in awhile, it makes my heart sail. His hugs are so sweet. His smile lights up his eyes. He's as ornery as Ali's brother was at that age, with the same kind of heart and compassion as her brother.
I went to the cemetery yesterday. I sat at Ali's grave for a little while. I then visited my little nephew who passed away at two months old, buried up the hill a piece from our little angel. I know the two of them are keeping my ancestors busy, chasing after them as they play together. Butch needed a cousin to play with.
Today, I have to pull myself back together. Get back to life again. I can't let myself dwell in the past, but try my best to understand the whys of it all and keep moving forward. I can still love my little angel with all my heart and soul, but I have to continue living this life designed for me. Her loss is a part of that life, which has changed me forever.
Everyone have a lovely day!!!
Blessings to all!!!