Yesterday was a horrible day. But I lived through it. Nothing about yesterday seemed positive so it turned into one of those days where I had to remind myself to seek out something positive. The only thing I could find was I got those damn shelves painted at work. Then I turned around and forgot the paper to bring home to scan and email. But those damn shelves are painted.
Thankfully I had taken old clothes, because when I paint, I paint everything. My object to be painted, my hands, my clothes, the works.
By the time yesterday was over I was so emotionally and physically drained that I couldn't do anything more than just sit down. I hate times like this in life but I have reached the end of my rope and have felt like I've been barely hanging on. Yesterday was my end game.
I'm thankful I have the next few days off. I need this to replenish myself. I don't get like this very often because I try very hard to be that ice queen, that person that let's things just flow and wash over me. However, after awhile I just can't do it anymore. I just have to let it out and let the chips fall where they may.
I'm tired so tired of being the person who shoulders all the blame. I know as a mom, we are the ones who are blamed for everything that always goes wrong. Most times, I'm okay with that. But after so long, I just can't do it anymore.
A celebration isn't a celebration when everyone is dreading the outcome. I just didn't have it in me to celebrate another year of life with the family when so many, including myself, was dreading the day. I truly thought about lying and saying I was sick and we couldn't do it. But all that would do is delay the outcome yet again. The more it played out in my head, the worse it got. I usually don't allow what might happen, what might be, rule the way I do things. However, this is just another replay of another time. That I just knew I couldn't do.
I'm just tired. Another bout of 'I do everything wrong' just didn't sit well with me. I've tried the ignoring it. I tried just smiling and going on. I've tried holding the hurt inside and making excuses for it all. But, I have no more energy for it.
I am not in control of anyone else's behaviors or their choices. I cannot hold the blame for this. I also cannot always shoulder the blame for someone else's choices in life by allowing them to always talk down to me, to make me the center of their anger and ridicule. But I have for a long time, because of hope.
Hope things will be different. Hope that one day things will just fall into place. But it never does. I've come to the realization that I'm good for the little things but when it comes down to just being that person who someone wants to just sit and chat with, to shoot the breeze, to just hang with, well, I'm not that person. I'm the go to person in a pinch. The one that is always there when needed.
So I have to reinvent things. I have to stop living for those moments and start finding a new path to make me feel less like the doll on the shelf and more like a human being again.
Everyone have a lovely day!!!
Blessings to all!!!